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Misconduct from Doctors

When I think back on the worst moments of my illness, I think of bathroom floors. Sitting on them. Staring at them. Waiting for nausea to either pass or exit up my esophagus. It’s the place where I found myself on my knees, surrendering my stomach once again. Lingering during moments of recovery, I saw all the small, unsettling details: pubic hair and toenail clippings, tattered toilet paper, dead bugs, the fine layer of grime in the edges and corners no one ends up cleaning. Bathroom floors didn’t seem so gross or unwelcoming when I was in that state. In fact, they felt like comfortable friends. The faded linoleum was just as low and messy as I was, and the buzz in my brain was too distracted to care.

When I think back on the worst moments of my illness, I think of bathroom floors. Sitting on them. Staring at them. Waiting for nausea to either pass or exit up my esophagus. It’s the place where I found myself on my knees, surrendering my stomach once again. Lingering during moments of recovery, I saw all the small, unsettling details: pubic hair and toenail clippings, tattered toilet paper, dead bugs, the fine layer of grime in the edges and corners no one ends up cleaning. Bathroom floors didn’t seem so gross or unwelcoming when I was in that state. In fact, they felt like comfortable friends. The faded linoleum was just as low and messy as I was, and the buzz in my brain was too distracted to care.

The oldest of five in a Christian homeschooling family from Indiana, I grew up exuberant and happy like most children. I was creative and adventurous, but sensitive. And was considered mature for my age. At age 10, I started to feel sad after my family moved to a new city. And while I didn’t have the coping skills or language to understand what it was, I know now that I was experiencing a depression that continued to stew under the surface for the majority of my life. Pushed deep down and covered up tight. If I had not gotten involved in performing arts upon entering the ninth grade in public school, I’m not sure where I’d be. I remember feelings of anxiety during this time as I was adjusting from homeschool to public school. I hardly ate then. But the long rehearsals and late nights during those four years kept me preoccupied. Any open moments were quickly filled with a soccer season or volunteering at an art organization. I stayed busy as often as I could not only because I liked it, but because when I did not, the low, dark feelings would return.

As I grew up, my sensitive nerves subsided but the physical tension and agitation in my chest increased. This would be coupled with a worsening eating disorder that surfaced when I was nervous or severely anxious. Despite these ongoing symptoms, I fell in love with the stimulation and constant movement I found in college life. I was an ever-inspired, wide-eyed art student, captivated by everything I was learning, exposed to new worlds for the first time. I gave tours at the art museum, began doing and teaching yoga, studied abroad in Spain, spent summers in Chicago and San Diego, got a minor in theatre, sang with a choir, continued private voice lessons, and even had a very brief stint in a dance troupe.

This joyful, harried existence was only interrupted periodically in short spurts when I’d have a particularly bad bout of anxiety, and once, a severe depressive episode. But I didn’t know what to do about it, so I just kept moving. Unsure of what else to do with my life after college, I went straight to graduate school, moving to Illinois and quickly regaining my breakneck busy lifestyle.  My academic load and financial burden had increased, and I was trying to make new friends in a new city. Looking back, it’s no wonder I finally broke.

I know now that this is called derealization, which just means your mind is convinced of unrealities, and it’s pretty common amongst sufferers of various types of mental illness.

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What Alberto Can Teach You From Movies

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Tellus integer feugiat scelerisque varius. Sit amet volutpat consequat mauris nunc congue nisi. At ultrices mi tempus imperdiet nulla malesuada pellentesque. Netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas sed. Morbi blandit cursus risus at. Pulvinar etiam non quam lacus. A erat nam at lectus urna duis. Sit amet cursus sit amet. Duis at tellus at urna condimentum. Gravida quis blandit turpis cursus in hac, a sit amet. Aliquet eget sit amet tellus cras.

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Comments (3)

  • Alex Moore

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    reply
    • Alex Moore

      Duis at tellus at urna condimentum.

      reply
  • Scott Daniel

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    reply

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